Something’s gotta give…

…but what? I warn you right now that this blog is going to be long. I have a lot on my mind at this moment and it’s been almost a month since I’ve given an update. I went to bed over an hour ago dog tired, but found my mind wandering in many different directions. I figured since I was up that I might as well do something and here I am…ready to get all of these thoughts and ideas out of my head, off of my chest, and onto this “paper” so to speak.

It all started with my husband starting a political discussion in bed. He said he didn’t think it was fair that people who do not have children have to pay taxes to support education. This, of course, I wholeheartedly disagreed with, being a teacher and all. I thought of all the ramifications of this…like how everyone who does partake of the educational system having their taxes raised and, heck, while we’re on the topic, why should anyone have to pay taxes to support anything they don’t partake of–for instance, the welfare system. The only people who partake of that system don’t pay into it…the system would totally collapse if we used the same reasoning my husband had for education on everything else. Anyhow, enough politics. That’s just what got my brain going and it hasn’t stopped since then.

I’m a busy mom, like all other moms. I work full time outside of the home. I have a one year old at home to take care of, a husband and a household. That doesn’t leave me much time for anything else. Most days I’m able to handle the stresses pretty well, but occasionally, I just break down. I’ve always been a list person and I find great personal satisfaction in marking things off my list. It’s been so difficult to get anything marked off my list anymore. I seem to find more and more things being left undone and it’s very frustrating to me. Our home, for example, sometimes gets to the point where both my husband and I are disgusted with the messiness and unkemptness of it all before we do anything about it because we are both so busy. I’m out of the house at least 9 hours a day and my husband 11, so after we get home, make/eat dinner, and shower, we are wiped out.

My husband has always been the type of person who is very affectionate. He believes in letting others know how he feels often. He tells me how he loves me numerous times during the day–sometimes to the point where I tell him that I haven’t forgotten and that he doesn’t have to let me know any more that day. Granted, I tell him I love him every day too, just not 400 times a day. I never knew why he felt the need to do this until I had my baby. It’s funny…it’s like the emotions just pour out and the words follow. I tell my baby I love him more times a day than I can count. It’s like there’s just this need to verbally express the overflow of my heart. I can’t NOT say it. I totally, totally, understand how he feels and why he needs to say I love you many times a day. To the one who taught me that you can never be told I love you enough, I love you.

I guess there’s really only one other major thing on my mind at this time. It’s my work. I have so many conflicting emotions right now and I don’t even think that there’s one in particular that trumps all the others at this time. I feel stressed, jipped, excited, sad, and joyous all at the same time. I am so excited to see how well my students have done this year. They have grown so much and they have made me so proud with all of their accomplishments. I am joyous because I know they are going to be doing well when they go on to first grade. I am confident that I have prepared them for the academic challenges they will face next year. I am happy because I love coming to work each and every day and getting the opportunity to affect other people’s lives in a profound way. I am also happy because I get to see their smiling faces each day and they are (mostly) happy to see my as well. I am sad because this year is coming to a close and I will be saying goodbye to my first class and because I don’t know when or how long it will be until this opportunity comes my way again. I feel stressed because it’s the end of the year and there are so many things going on–benchmark testing, report cards, filling out cumulative files on each kid, skills day, spring program, packing up all textbooks, tearing down my classroom and that’s only the half of it.

My last emotion is feeling jipped. It’s an emotion I try and fight because I know that it has the capability of taking over and I start to feel bitter when that happens. I have worked my behind off this year, doing a job that very few people would do for the pay I have been getting for it. I feel jipped because I was promised something that didn’t come through. I know I have been given a wonderful opportunity this year. Everyone tells me how dedicated and determined I’ve been this year and how I’ve been such a trooper…easy for them to say. Their salaries are fair…I guess I wouldn’t mind so much, but that fact that our superintendents who already made over 6 figures a year gave themselves a 15% raise during this “budget crisis” just plain pisses me off because I couldn’t be hired on a temporary contract for 3 months that would have cost less than 3 grand total. I’ve actually thought about writing a letter to the superintendents or to the editors of newspapers complaining about what I consider to be an injustice, but then I just think of how it could possibly affect my future and my ability to get a job anywhere else and I stop myself. I just can’t help but wonder, when will I ever catch a break?

It’s depressing…I’m a college grad with two bachelor’s degrees, a teaching credential, and half of my units towards a master’s degree and I’ve never held a job paying more than 20 grand a year. Top that off with 9 years of student loans (and a few credit cards) and I’ve amassed over 67,000 in debt. It’s really sad. I love what I do so much….why can’t I get a job? What can’t I take some of the pressure off of my husband? I just want to make what I’m worth. Is that too much to ask? I’d really like another baby, too, but with all of the extra expenses that having a baby brings (especially the new home and vehicle that would be required to house and tote around a two little ones), it’s not going to be feasible for quite some time.

I just get through my days by knowing that I come home to an amazing family each and every day and even though we have our share of problems, we’re happy and mostly content and right now, that’s more than some people can say. I’m thankful I’m healthy. I’m thankful for wonderful friends and family. I’m thankful for the roof above my head and the food in my refridgerator. I really do have so many things to be thankful for…I just need to reminder to count my blessings more often than I throw my pity parties.

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